You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
