K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
