I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
