Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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