She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
