you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
