just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
