my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
