I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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