You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Your dad touched me again.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
