John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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