I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
