i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
