you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
