my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
