A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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