i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
