Buhtt sex?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
