Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
