I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
