I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
