god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
