he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
