I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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