at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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