I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
