sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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