No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
