worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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