a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
