YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Randomize
