I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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