Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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