i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
