I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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