i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
