I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
