I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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