dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
