WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
