Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
