I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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