Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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