Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
