She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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