just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
