there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
