eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
