I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
