I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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