there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
